This sensation of always falling short of God’s expectations to me was more or less prevalent in everything I undertook during the first ten years of my Christian walk. It actually wore me down to a point of exhaustion and despair. I would be hard pressed to admit that these first years were particularly joyful, generally speaking.
I am tempted to call this a phase of ear cleansing because it was from here everything changed – I began to hear……hear faith. I am not talking about that first faith which convinced me about the invincible being of God and how vital it was for my eternal destiny to accept Christ as my savior. As many of you know I had been totally immersed in New Age thinking until God convinced me about the futility of walking that path.
Through my before clogged up ears it now more or less effortlessly flowed many of the things Jesus had said about Himself, about being one with God, about not being able to do anything of my own accord, about God always being pleased with me and so on. The Spirit is a clever and patient teacher, so these things seeped in a little by little of which some I actually discarded as impossible from the outset of this new period of hearing.
Foundations were carefully laid in my inner being, and those things I took in faith without having any outer evidences for their validity became as time passed strong and vital in me despite that they from the outset appeared flimsy and volatile. Kudos to God for being a great carpenter.
The most difficult part has not been taking these truths of God in faith which are against sight and emotions – it has been reconciling myself with the I am that I am with all its weaknesses and perceived imperfections. That has been my major inner battle field and to a degree still is. Yet, my only option is to agree with God, that the I am that I am is once and for all perfected.
I still so vividly remember an episode from a few months back where I felt so ineffective and couldn’t see that my life in any major way was the positive influence in this world I wanted it to be. The inner voice was pretty straightforward in its reply to me: “Stress down. What do you know about your influence and your impact in this world when these things are hidden in the invisible? Much more is going on around you than what you have eyes to see. Relax, I have everything under control.” Everything said in a calming and reassuring tone.