There was a time in my Christian walk when I wanted so many things. I wanted to become a better father, better husband, more loving, more caring, less judgmental and so on. Norman Grubb calls those wants rubbish, and I agree wholeheartedly.
Those wants expressed my erroneous belief that I had to improve myself using my own willpower. I have reached the conclusion that’s not the case, since I am either indwelt by sin or Christ. Since I have been given life through my faith in Jesus I am indwelt by the latter. I thus do not have an independent operating self which is designed to reflect myself, which is the illusion our soul enemy wants to perpetuate. Every one of my wants became veils which impeded me from recognizing my new union with Christ and my perfection in Him, and that I reflect Him in my human form as the perfect version of myself. This of course is the mystery of the gospel.
I also believe that God used my wants so that that illusion concerning an own independent self that had the power to improve itself could be completely shattered when I came to the end of myself. Our wants of improvement also become our idols. We fix our gaze on our goals, and are distracted from our center, which is Christ and Christ alone.
It is quite clear to me that if God accepted me into His family of sons with everything I am, I can accept myself. If I am good enough for God, I am good enough for myself. He is my keeper, it is His life that is manifested in my mortal flesh. I say as Jesus: “I can do nothing of myself.” So, if God wants to better me He has to do it. I just relax with no condemnation seeing Him accomplish His works in me.
Who am I to judge myself? Christ is the judge and his verdict is: “Innocent.” And if I am Christ in my form I am promoted to make righteous judgments as well, and my verdict of my existence is: “Holy, righteous, perfected son.” I have literally kicked my former consciousness of sin on the ash heap. It was a burdensome nuisance which smothered my precious liberty in Him.
I also remember that I wanted to be used by Him, to yield to His will etc. Well, the truth is: I am all those things. How, you may ask. Through faith! I have practiced (He has practiced as me) to recognize Christ in me until it has become a fixed inner spirit knowledge. Our faith develops by hearing the word. That’s what I have been doing the last year; immersed myself (He has immersed Himself) in teachings which edifies and encourages me to take those leaps of faith which enabled me to acknowledge everything He attained at the cross on my behalf.
Ever since I accepted Christ I have been all those things He says I am, but it has taken 17 years for Him to lead me to the understanding I now have. Every step has been carefully planned by my loving Father. I can see that in retrospect.